“Pain without love,
pain I can’t get enough
pain I like it rough
But I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.”
-Three Days Grace
I am a pessimist. I have one of those very unfortunate minds that can find the pea in any comfortable mattress. I often get depressed and I feel sorry for myself a lot because my life is a series of unfortunate events. That guy who wrote those books A Series of Unfortunate Events would find a good plot for his book here. So I generally think I have it bad…. then I met the emptiest soul ever.
Blogging isn’t really the biggest thing out here in Ethiopia so maybe he won’t read this and hate me.
He thinks his life is like something out of a Lemony Snicket book too. I haven’t read all the books and I was a kid then but I do remember that the books always end pretending to satisfy you then throwing just enough twist in the ending to piss you off. They never ended well. My friend thinks that his life is going to be like that.
Depression is supposed to be some kind of disease but I actually think something is definitely wrong with you if you are a teenager or generally a young adult and you are not depressed. He wasn’t just depressed, he wasn’t just self harming with alcohol and drugs, he wasn’t just a little suicidal. The hollows in his cheeks and the faraway look in his golden eyes are only visible if you know of his little secret. He’s beautiful really. I think half my class has a huge crush on him but you look closer and immediately wish you hadn’t.
There is nothing underneath.
Money is nice, looks are very nice but I think Ambition is the sexiest thing in the world. Not everyone who tries will succeed. The majority of society thinks money and fame and looks and talent are the things to have. We consider this majority to be shallow and totally missing the point.
My friend doesn’t care about money or fame. He doesn’t think he posses any talents and he knows he’s got looks but he doesn’t think he’s much different from the guy who was balding at 19. He doesn’t understand why he has to wake up every morning and go to class so he sometimes doesn’t. He doesn’t understand why we read books when they require so much patience and thinking. He doesn’t understand why we study to get papers to become engineers, lawyers, accountants, doctors, or anything really because the world is so corrupt and only a few people will enjoy that very limited time with other people. He doesn’t understand why people will themselves to fall in love when all they do is pretend to be better than each other and never fail to hurt each other other .
His ideas are total cliches about and of cliches. But when I saw just how much he meant and believed what he was saying, I wanted to hit him. (and I did).
I thought I had it bad because I lost people. I thought I had it bad because mathematics gave me a headache. I thought I had it bad because I probably won’t become that big author I want to be. And my life still hurts.
But I think it would have been worse if I couldn’t feel the pain of those things at all.