When I was in the sixth grade, autographs where you fill out a bunch of questions about yourselves was a big thing. So almost all of my classmates had one and it was passed around. We fooled ourselves saying, Summer is coming so we do this to remember each other. Honestly, I think I hated most of them then and it was mutual. I was a little heavy, I was a bookworm, I was a know-it-all….I was the annoying type of nerd. Well anyways, one lunch time, some of them gave me these “autographs” to fill out and there was like three or four and it felt like a pile to me. I said to my then best friend, “I feel important with all these autographs to fill out.” and her reply was, “That’s not it. You’re like giving up a part of yourself. They don’t need to know all that stuff about you.” She got to me. I never tell my biggest fear to absolutely anyone to this day and with every picture I post on Facebook, every blog entry, every rant, every poem….I feel like I am selling myself out to people who got no business knowing about me.
This blog, its activity since it became Cést La Vie, is part of my 2009 E.C. resolution. (Yes, I’m the kind of sucker with a resolution. It has 20 items on it and two blog posts a week is number four) Writing is probably the only thing I have ever wanted to do. I started it as a coping mechanism for something terrible that happened in my life when I was very young and it has helped keep me sane ever since. I become ultimately difficult to deal with (even more than usual) when I haven’t been writing. The messy scramble of thoughts in my head have to go somewhere and the majority go to my private journal because no one gets to edit me there. However, I still have to be edited so some of it goes here. I didn’t think anyone would read it and I think I could have done better getting more readers but I don’t think I’m good enough to be widely read yet.
I have drifted from my point…..
So for a while, sharing things have made me anxious. There is definitely more to me than my Facebook and Instagram profiles.
I was talking to somebody the other day and he said that the stuff we put on our profiles are those we want others to know about us and I’m sure it came out as a minor topic in our conversation but I immediately went and checked what my profile says, I looked through the pictures I had shared and I instantly became anxious. I have been told that I looked different in my Facebook pictures than I do in real life. A good friend once said that it’s because I don’t smile a lot in my pictures but I can be a goofy idiot in real life. I’m keeping this friend forever. It was such a nice thing to say. But it also felt like a lie. It translated to this in my head.
I started being anxious about posting pictures and started being anxious because I was also told that I sound a lot smarter online and via text than I do face to face. I honestly wished I could vanish off the cyber world and die. Basically, I started to feel like a fraud.
Then I realized something…..It was like one of those self consoling things you tell yourself when you can’t sleep late at night and you’re thinking of all the stupid things you’ve done in your life. Before high school, I was shy and weird and I hid myself in places and things and I never tried to speak my mind or anything and the fact that no one knew anything about me, the fact that I never said anything didn’t keep people from thinking they knew things about me. I was bullied , people still made their assumptions and I was still branded with something.
I see the difference speaking and saying things about yourself makes.As an aspiring writer, if I wanted to stay private and still try creative writing, it is ultimately going to be a rough road ahead. I have seen both sides and I can honestly say it is better when people assume the truth about you because you’ve told them and when you have a hand in your own branding.