Sometimes I honestly wish there was a button I could push to stop my brain. It’s uncomfortable up in here. It’s like that loud grrrrrrrr sound my old laptop used to make. And I wonder if it’s just me that has this problem or everyone else does too and if they do suffer from their brains going on overdrive, how do they deal with it if they don’t write or paint or whatever?
My latest grrrrrrrrrr came from being called weird so many times by so many people that if they don’t, I start to wonder what is wrong with them. It’s not that I like being called weird although there was a time I thought being called weird meant I was something special. Now I have grown out of my stupidity and realized that “weird” is a term we use when we sometimes actually mean words like stupid, ugly, creepy and the like and we just want to be nice about it. Or when we sometimes mean things like awesome, cute, interesting but we’re too shy to say so.
I have been spending a lot of time by myself lately and that means eating by myself, having coffee by myself, going places by myself…..There are a lot of good benefits to this such as no one eating my food and not having to compromise on what to order and no one commenting on how unsafe the amount of my coffee intake is or not planning my days around someone else’s plans and best of all, no one gets to comment on how boring I am if I decide to stay quiet for five minutes. But there is one con that I don’t know what to do with. I hear it makes me “weird”.
All my life, that word has followed me everywhere. A lot of my peers are deemed weird because they like to read, because they like to spend time alone, because they are not afraid of that teacher who wears dark shades during consulting hours and terrifies everyone to death, because they like a certain type of music that doesn’t appeal to the mainstream masses, because they sometimes get obsessed with ideas like hypnosis or astrology or feminism or theology, because they don’t blend right into the grey. And what I have observed is that somehow being called weird affects these people negatively and the fact that they are different makes them feel like sore thumbs and that they should change and become like everyone else. Talking about it makes them feel conceited and like they are trying to appear like something they aren’t.
I came across the word ‘pseudo-intellectual’ some years ago, and to this day it remains my least favorite word. Pseudo-intellectual technically means he/she who pretends to know a lot of things but doesn’t actually know shit. I hate the word because I like to talk about ideas with people and many of these discussions mean that I get to say stuff too. And while I am reasonably very insecure about how much I actually know which is highly inadequate, I do know somethings. I hate the word because I have a very annoying fear of becoming it.
So, per my observations and resulting guesses, people who deservedly get called weird feel like pretentious jerks.
But then I started thinking, people who have called me weird because I like to hangout by myself are people who would rather starve to death than get dinner alone, people who have never picked up a book, people whose entire music library is about things they don’t care about but it makes them appear cool, people who sit in my Process Industries II class and drink up every word the teachers says but never think to wonder or ask if or why raw sugar is maybe sold in the markets because some people might not want bleached sugar. These people who would call me weird are people who never try to be something different from what society thinks they should be that they don’t know that maybe “weird” is something they might like.
Where do these bricks get off making me feel pretentious?
I think I have come to a conclusion for an idea I wondered about in my last blog post, “…if we are supposed to be one thing or another at a given time in our lives…”
The answer is, no we do not. I have a deep respect for people who quit school because it’s too commercial or because, and I understand this so very much, it makes them feel stupid, or because ain’t nobody got time for that. We go to school to be “educated” people but think of some of your friends and be honest with yourself. How many ignorant idiots graduate from higher education? How many of your very careless high school friends scored way too high in their UEEs when you know they were running circles around you, getting high and making you miserable while you were studying?
That was one example. This routine the system has created for us and has convinced our parents that it’s the only way to get by is not actually a very solid one. It’s like the latitudes and the longitudes. It keeps us stable and inline but it is not real. It is an illusion.
Wow I sound like hippie drum circle leader.
I believe that being able to walk out of this line, be it on purpose or not, is pretty brave. So, I think I’m okay with being “weird”.